We're here to help you get hot and heavy this summer. We want you to get all the things you deserve; whether it be money, or sex, or small-arms, or an autograph from Arianna Grande written on your chest in Sharpie. You will shed that self-doubt this summer and replace it with raw and offensive confidence that will make passersby both shocked and aroused. Unless you're not looking for arousing stuff, in which case, our tips will probably still help with that other stuff that's not sexy. Live your best life, live laugh love, lent Lonny Lana's lemons late.
Do you like the beach? I don't, really, but I hear a lot of people do, and they want to be looking real good up on that beach shit. Despite our disinterest, we really do know a whole lot about being YOUR BEST YOU on the beach. For instance, statistics have shown that having this haircut; will lead to more positive social encounters.
This is a unisex haircut, which in layman's terms means your bitch as can wear this dope shit no matter what and you'll look absolutely ravishing. This haircut will take your beach game and multiply it by the power of 10 beaches. It will take your day at the beach and blow it to the fucking moon. It will take your day at the beach, and it will bring to you a soulmate for whom you've been searching your life over if that's something you want.
What about lifting weights and exercise? Doesn't matter, check out this haircut and go fuck yourself. What if you're socially inept and can't look people in the eye for extended periods of time? Doesn't matter, this haircut, et cetera.
Improving your social life is important because your friends might have money and they may buy you nice things like Gucci slides and tickets to Coachella. The best friends you can find this summer are rich friends, it's common knowledge that rich people cannot be arrested. The fastest way to be YOUR BEST YOU is money, cold-hard cash all the way. Of course, money cannot be accessed by a large portion of uncool losers, but we got something to tell you uncool losers; we can help you too!
Summer 2018 is all about brand names, vlogging, and secretive drug abuse. Don't have Louis Vuitton red soles on your shoes? You're not going to succeed this summer. But, you can still hopefully afford spray paint! Nobody will notice, nobody actually knows what Louis Vuitton look like. These red soles will get your preferred sexual partner totally riled up, if that's what you want, of course.
Which leads me to my next point, spend all of your money on things made by unpaid, sweaty children. People will love this, and they will say, "Hey I love that sweater! Is that Joe Fresh?" You will say, "Yes, it is." Shop strategically, only go to unethical chains and only shop fast-fashion. Never spend any more than $6 on a t-shirt. Your clothing only has to last until your preferred sexual partner tears it off, if that is something you're looking for, of course. People will judge you based on what bag you carry, so make sure to carry the bags people like, this is important, make sure your bags look something like this,
If succeeding socially doesn't fulfill your empty heart this summer, there are, of course, other options. You could turn to crime. Everybody loves the anti-hero, you need a tragic backstory that will draw people to empathize and love you. If you're a teacher with cancer or a kid being bullied, crime may be the best option for you. A criminal empire will get you the respect from your peers that you so dearly desire, or fear, basically the same thing anyhow.
Learn how to do a kickflip, practice playing chess, eat a plant-based diet, vote in your local elections. That stuff's okay, too, but likely won't net you any social dominance. You need to be bigger and more robust than your compatriots, able to tear them in half if they attempt to encroach upon your nest. As the alpha, you need to turn to performance-enhancing drugs. You won't even have to work that much to become a very strong young knicker-bopper, injecting needles into your butt-cheeks feels kind of good, too.
Adopt a cat, teach it combat maneuvers, send it back out on the street to challenge other cats.
Your contemporaries will call you a vixen, a brave-hearted warrior.
Learn to surf on YouTube, tell everybody.
They will believe you.
Buy a hat and start to wear it every day, but make sure that the world can still see your undercut.
The world needs to see your undercut.
Buy a motorcycle and gas-out people in parking lots.
They will think you're the best.
Don't worry about making friends and concentrate fully on projecting the knowledge that you are, in fact, the strongest, fastest, most intelligent, funniest, best at sex person that you know.
People love confidence.